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A crisis is a “crisis” because it has the power to define you, to reduce the image you have of yourself down to something small, less than human even. We say things like, “I'm stuck”, “I can't get her to listen to me”, “she makes me feel like a piece of s---“. We attempt to regain our image by trying to extract love and understanding out of the other person. It never works, ever. Yet we keep on trying, doing the same thing hoping for different results. And we feel crazier and crazier.

One young man told me recently that, unless his wife stopped talking with her ex, “behind my back”, he was going to ask her for a divorce. “I just can't handle my jealousy”, he explained. He was going to attempt talking with her one more time about his feelings. He had never been successful, however, at keeping himself from getting mad at her behavior, whereupon she would put up a wall, saying “I can't talk with you”. Since then, whenever he broached the subject, she would fall silent. He was frustrated, sad and hurt. The more these emotions consumed him, the less likely she would be to talk with him. I suggested that, in trying to get her to open up under these circumstances, it would be like going fishing with a stick of dynamite. Without greater skill at mastering his emotional state, any attempts to talk would only result in killing the relationship. There are, after all, classier ways to fish.

The state you would hope to be in if the other person gave you what you wanted, is the state you need to figure out how to be in before you talk with them.

You have 4 sources of power to get you there

Adrenalin : When you are in a reactive state, your body is awash with adrenalin, cortisol and other stress hormones. This is energy, raw energy. It has one physiological purpose though, to move your muscles for fight or flight. If you use it in its raw form, it will wreak destruction, just as putting crude oil straight into your gas tank would. Both forms of raw energy need to go through a refining process before you could use them to get you to where you want to go. Because where you want to go, is toward increased intimacy. If you act when all you can think of is either fight or flight, you will not achieve anything close to intimacy. The adrenalin needs to be transmuted before you can use it. Taking it through the transmuting process will reveal a new option, the proverbial light bulb will go off, and you'll have a creative new idea about what you can do.

Heightened motivation for change: The situation, the collision between your expectations as to how things should be - and reality , has the impact of a 2x4 up the side of the head. It's got your attention. As soon as you can stop blaming reality for your problem, the sooner you can see that the only thing you can possibly do anything about, is your expectations . You've been given a wake-up call. Wake up.

External resources: Access sources outside yourself, other people's opinions that you would respect, books, internet, support groups, nurturing experiences like massage, healings, counseling.

Internal resources: Develop increased patience and timing through increased inner discipline. Learn more efficient ways to use your brain to break up dysfunctional thought habits. Access spiritual power through meditation, effectual prayer, and the exercising of mind, body, and vital life force.

I Basic Training: relaxation, awareness, conservation: Select and commit to quit one thing in your life that is dysfunctional and unhealthy. Something that has been nagging you, that your conscience, or better self, has been telling you need to stop-or add. Something you can change for you – not for anyone else, just because you know you'd feel better. Commit to 90 days.

II Becoming grounded, centered and present: Learn experientially the meaning of these words.

Centering Exercise: Sit or stand straight, with the pull of gravity equally distributed on your body. Breathe in abdominally. Breathe out slowly, about twice as long as the inhale (count to 4 on the inhale, count to 8 on the exhale for 5 breaths) Tighten your muscles from feet to head, hold your breath to the count of 5, release and stay with the experience of letting go. Smile inwardly.

Now, roll your eyes upward toward the sky on your next inhale and downward toward the ground on the exhale. Up…on the inhale….down on the exhale. Repeat for 4 or 5 breaths. Image – or sense - a straight line running straight down through you, a perfectly straight plumb line that you can draw your posture up into alignment with.

On the next exhale, leave your eyes downward as you continue to breathe evenly, and image the line going on down into the earth, like you're dropping anchor. Image the line dropping deep, deep into the earth, to the very center…and anchoring you solid.

On the next inhale, roll your eyes upward again, keeping them upward as you exhale and image the line shooting on up into the blue sky above. Think about having a large sun-ball of pure energy and light right above you and anchor that line on into it. Now the line becomes energized and grows into a powerful beam of light and pure energy.

As you exhale, slowly lower your eyes as the beam comes down around you and within you, relaxing, energizing, harmonizing and empowering you, absorbing fears and tensions as it comes down enveloping you. Relax and yield and let yourself be restored.

On the next inhale, roll your eyes up to the center of the beam. As you exhale, roll your eyes over to the right and lean just slightly in that direction. Relax and drift for a few breaths. Then inhale and draw yourself up to the center again. “Click” into that center line and then on the exhale, roll your eyes over to the left, letting yourself relax into that direction. Repeat several times. Relax into the rhythm, like your riding down the trough of a wave and then lifting up to the crest again of an absolutely safe ocean of healing, refreshing water. Let yourself go. In this ocean, you can breathe under water. Let go, relax.

III Transmuting raw reactions: Learn the power of your centered mind to master emotions.

IV Overcoming phobias and the past wounds that caused them.

V Achieving Forgiveness: achieving escape velocity from the gravity of the past where you no longer find yourself defined by what happened to you or by the mistakes you made.

VI Communication skills: learning the art of the “I” statement, of taking only your inventory and holding back from taking anyone else's.

VII Living the Golden Rule, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It is more blessed to give than to receive, but this does not mean that our needs are unimportant. When the service motive is about 2/3rds again more than the profit motive in something we are doing, when our motive to give, to serve or to love another is just a bit more than our desire to get our own needs met, then the outcome of our actions will be optimally blessed, that is, fulfilling.. The difference between heaven and hell is that in heaven, everyone feeds the person across the banquet table from them with the long-handled forks you're given, and, in hell, everyone's starving at the banquet laid out before them because they're trying unsuccessfully to feed themselves with these forks.

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