A   R   T   I   C   L   E   S

I GET READY. Unwrap the key parts of your reaction first .

A. The Aggravation.: Describe what happened to you that set you off.

B. The Big Bang. This is the emotional energy you experience in your body. Notice where you feel it most and imagine you have a gauge that you could put on your body right there, measuring the intensity level from 0 to 10. How high does the needle go? Notice that you are observing the emotion; it is not you . Dis-identify from it.

C. The Crunch. This is how the situation or other person made you feel about yourself in a “less than” or “not good enough” sense. For example, you could fill in the blank: “for her/him to do that to me, it's as if they think I'm (a) ____________________”. This then would be one of your core fear-based beliefs about yourself. Whatever we are working hard on not being like, that's the characteristic we are going to feel most sensitive or vulnerable about.

D. Your Desire. This is the truth about you (the opposite of the “crunch”), the negative belief. Identify what you would prefer to believe to be true about you. (Hint: it's the exact opposite of C.) At this point, ones confidence in this truth is usually very compromised. Measure the strength of your affirmation by putting it on a 1 to 7 scale where 1 is “doesn't feel true at all” and 7 is “no shadow of doubt about it”.

II. GET SET

E. Now, Energize. Experientially, begin processing the negative emotions and thoughts, in this order.

1. Reduce emotional intensity level first. Use visualization, bi-lateral stimulation and breathing techniques until you feel calm and in control. (0 or 1 on the intensity scale.)

2. Test the strength of your desired truth on the 1 – 7 scale. Stay with the affirming words while breathing, doing bi-lateral stimulation, prayer and meditation, until it comes up to at least 5.

3. Mentally, revisit the difficult situation. Visualize being there with balanced energy and confidence until you can sustain it. (You may want to also revisit the very first and the very worst times in your life when you felt this way, and process these emotions.) Now you're ready to go back and take action in real life to bring about someresolution and understanding.

III. GO . Take creative action.

At this stage of the game, you will say and do things that will turn out much better than if you hadn't taken the time to get here. You will be assertive and pro -active rather than re -active.

Communication hints:

1. Share with your partner what your bottom line is, what you are struggling to believe to be true about yourself and struggling to feel. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

2. Share what past experiences this current situation triggered.

3. Tell them that when they say____ or do _____, it can throw you into that old fear reaction, or raw nerve, that you're working on getting free of. Tell them what they could say that would work better for you: “it would help if you'd say___ or do___instead; I think I'd be better able to hear what it is you're saying then. Invite them in by adding, “please, work with me on this”.

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